Trigger Warning: Trauma and Baby Loss

On the 25th April at 1am and 41 weeks 1 day pregnant, I went into labour with my second baby, baby girl number 2 who we had named Emmie Faye. This was my second labour and it was going really smooth; I was using my hypnobirthing experience to breathe through contractions and I was coping really well. My contractions intensified very quickly but I was still coping fine. I phoned the midwife unit in Singleton Hospital and they told me to head on down as I had been having contractions lasting for over 1 minute every 5 minutes for over an hour and things seemed to be progressing very quickly. I phoned my parents to head on over to look after Elara and just before they arrived I felt an almighty incredibly painful tear just under my left breast. I instantly dropped to the floor and told Mike where the pain was and to phone an ambulance as something was wrong. I was instantly wiped of all energy and couldn’t even open my eyes. The pain was constant and I could no longer tell when I was contracting.

Mike was talking to the call handler on the phone and they asked Mike to prepare for delivery. I knew in myself that Emmie was not coming straight away but couldn’t relay any information as I was too weak. My parents arrived at some point followed by the ambulance around what felt like 10 minutes later. I still couldn’t open my eyes or do anything. I was on the floor in my underwear with my face and knees on the floor as I was too weak to even hold myself up on my arms. The paramedics strapped me into a chair and carried me down my stairs, through my home and down my steps outside and into the ambulance. They gave me gas and air and then I woke up the next day in a different hospital to the one I was heading to; with a breathing tube down my throat. I was in ICU and my nurse told me that I had undergone 3 surgeries and was in Morriston Hospital. This confused me so much as I was heading to Singleton Hospital and I wasn’t having surgery, I was going to give birth.

We now believe the reason I cannot remember anything is to do with the amount of blood I was losing throughout this time. To everyone around me I looked like a normal mama in labour; I was still communicating a little and handling the pain with gas and air. The pain was from my spleenic artery tearing and not labour like everyone thought. The next few paragraphs will be what happened to me; as told to me by doctors, nurses and Mike as I have no recollection.

(Experiences from Mike, doctors and nurses) When I arrived at hospital I was taken to the MLU as that is what was my birth plan and it was written in my notes. Although I did want a natural birth, I knew something was wrong and expected that I would have been taken to labour ward, I was unable to speak for myself so couldn’t dispute this. This is now something that has been changed by my local trust due to what happened with me and Emmie; unfortunately it won’t bring Emmie back but hopefully it will prevent other parents from feeling the immense pain that myself and Mike are currently feeling. So in the MLU I was checked and mine and Emmies vitals were perfect and I was already 4cm. I continued to labour for a few hours until changeover. Whilst the both midwives were in the room doing their changeover, Mike said I sat straight upright and screamed clutching my left side. I was then checked vaginally and was at least 8cm but Emmie had pooped in the waters so they rushed me up to the labour ward. Mine and Emmies vitals were still perfect at this time. I was literally run up to labour ward on a bed and as I arrived in labour ward around 20 medical staff swarmed me. Mike said that there were medical staff everywhere and they were working incredibly fast. They were putting canulas in me and actually had to abandon them to rush me into theatre quicker.

I arrived in labour ward and was rechecked and Emmie’s heart rate was dropping and not picking back up so the c section had then become an emergency c section and Mike was not allowed into theatre. Whilst in labour they opened me for a c section and around 3 litres of blood fell out of my abdomen before they had even opened my uterus. They got Emmie out and she was not breathing; they resuscitated my baby girl but she took 14 minutes to start breathing. This resulted in Emmie sustaining brain damage. Mike was informed of this and met our beautiful Emmie in the corridor whilst she was taken to NICU. Mike was also informed that I was critical and that I had lost a lot of blood and that they could not find the bleed. A vascular surgeon who was on call was called and he decided to drop the surgery he was in to come to me when he found out I was a 28 year old mum of two. This action saved my life. The vascular surgeon arrived and found the bleed; my spleens artery had ruptured and my spleen was removed and I stabilised.

I was to be moved to Morriston Hospital as they have the facilities to care for someone as unwell as I was but I kept declining so the Welsh Air Ambulance arrived to take me to the other Hospital. I have asked why the air ambulance was called and we believe it to be because I was so critical and they have the resources to take me, they drove me rather than took me by helicopter. When I arrived at Morriston Hospital I had another bleed and lost another 2 litres of blood which totalled to a massive 10 and a half litres of blood lost. To put into context just how much that is; the human body holds just 4 and a half litres of blood. I was later told that previous to me the most blood someone had lost whilst in labour at that hospital was 3 1/2 litres; which is still a very very critical amount to lose. I had 17 units of blood and blood products transfused into me in total. It really doesn’t seem real even now. I was reopened for my 3rd surgery in Morriston hospital to stem this new bleed which was found to be a post partum bleed. Mike was informed by phone call (he was still in Singleton hospital with Emmie) that if I started bleeding again they would have to perform a hysterectomy.

I had finally stopped bleeding and was placed into a coma and Mike was told that I would remain in a coma for 3/4 days to give my body a chance to recover. I was later told by my consultant who performed the c section that I am classed as a near miss and he really didn’t think I would make it. As Emmie was so poorly no one knew if I would have the chance to meet her. My body was reacting extremely well to the treatments so I was woken up the day after Emmie was born; they wouldn’t have woken me this early if Emmie was okay, this was purely so I could meet my beautiful girl.

(This is now from what I remember). I woke in Morriston Hospital ICU around midday with a breathing tube down my throat; this was breathing for me and very uncomfortable. It pushes the air really forcefully down your throat and pulls it back out. I managed to keep myself calm for a couple of minutes but then panicked. I had signed with my arms a rocking baby motion as I couldn’t see Emmie and wanted to see her. The nurse explained that I was in a different hospital and that Mike and my parents were on their way to see me. I then started panicking and gagging on the tube in my throat. It was so scary and honestly one of my own nightmares to wake up in this condition. It is just as bad as it looks on TV. Mike and my parents arrived shortly after the tube was removed and they were all sobbing. I’ve only ever seen my dad cry twice and Mike maybe 3 times so this worried me as I was so scared for my Emmie and hadn’t heard anything about her yet.

It was really hard for me to take any information in those first few days. Someone would begin talking to me about Emmie and I would ask them to stop. I think it was my brains way of protecting me. I was healing incredibly well to the point that doctors were shocked at how well I was doing. When my parents and Mike arrived I was sitting up in bed, smiling, talking and in good spirits. I really think my positive energy and belief in the thoughts that Emmie would be fine pulled me through. Until I woke no one even knew if there would be lasting brain damage for me as I had lost so much blood, so for me to be so ‘normal’ as soon as I woke was a huge shock to everyone. I was transferred back to Singleton Hospital the day after I woke and finally met my beautiful Emmie at 2 days old. Emmie was everything I had hoped for; red hair, beautifully soft skin and the cutest little button nose you have ever seen.

Emmie never opened her eyes. Emmie never made a noise. I never got to see her beautiful eyes open or her little arms and legs moving in my arms. Emmie was forever on the move in my tummy and would kick me non stop. I would always see her wriggling away at the scans so to see her so still broke my heart. To look at Emmie was utter perfection; every little hair on her head, her little eyelashes and 10 fingers and toes so it was very hard to accept that she would never be okay. Emmie had suffered brain damage because I was bleeding internally and the oxygen was low for myself and Emmie. The midwives and consultants acted quickly but what happened was acute meaning that Emmie was fine until she wasn’t. The horrendous guilt I feel that my body didn’t keep Emmie safe will live with me forever. I know that it wasn’t something I could control but as a mum all you want to do is protect.

I wish every day that it took me and not Emmie. Emmie was such a little fighter and survived until 1 week old; she met all her grandparents and even her big sister Elara. Emmie was deteriorating rapidly and at 1 week old we had to remove her life support. Emmie passed away in my arms, with Mike holding us and I can honestly say that those few minutes of my life. I would give my life for one more cuddle, one more kiss. Just to hold her tiny perfect body and bring Emmie home. Life is just too cruel and I cannot even explain to you the utter heartbreak we are feeling. I am broken. I am a shell of the person I use to be and I don’t think that’ll ever change. I am constantly aching for Emmie. Constantly wishing that she was here and sobbing every single day for hours on end.

Being a new mum without a baby is hell. There are not enough words to describe the loss we have suffered. The pain in our hearts. If love could have saved Emmie she would have lived forever. You will never ever truly understand the pain of losing a baby unless you have experienced it. It hurts more than anything I have ever felt. A real physical pain and longing for my baby. I have a constant lump in my throat and tears in my eyes that will live with me forever. It absolutely kills me that Emmie isn’t here and that I have to live the rest of my life without her. The pain is truly something else. I feel numb, broken, lost and angry. I wish more than anything that Emmie was in my arms with Elara. My baby girl deserved to live and I can never accept why she isn’t here. I love you more than life itself Emmie.

I am not coping with the loss of Emmie at all and obviously my recovery of the huge amount of trauma has been incredibly slow. I share a lot over on my Instagram if you would like to follow for up to date information and real time events over at @katieflossblog

Katie x